Catching Fire Abridged
by Ramonks33
Summary: The sequel to the Amazing Hunger Games Abridged, Have some more fun laughing with our parodied members of the Mockingjay revolution!
1. Chapter 1

Catching Fire Abridged, chapter 1!

**A/N: HEYY GUYS! Guess whose back with some MORE HUNGER GAMES ABRIDGED? Here we are, CATCHING FIRE ABRIDGED! I posted in Hunger Games Abridged, just in case, but here WE GO!**

(Somewhere deep in the forest in District 12…)

Katniss: **NANNNNTSSSSS IGONYAMAAAA BAGITIHI BABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

(Birds come flying out)

Katniss: Damnit! I thought my singing improved! (Throws down the flask)

(She goes hunting)

Katniss: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE'RE OFF TO HOBBB! I HOPE I DON'T GET BEAT UP!

(Gathers animals and stuff and makes her way to the Gale's)

Hazelle: Hi Katniss!

Katniss: Hi Hazelle. How's Gale working in the mine because he's a man and extremely stubborn?

Hazelle: He's fine, actually.

Katniss: (throws her a beaver)

Hazelle: Woah! I thought you could only find these in Canada!

(They both pause and start laughing hysterically)

Both: HAAAAA…Canada…

Hazelle: Katniss, d'you mind taking Rory hunting at one point?

Katniss: Sure, after the whole tour and revolution

Hazelle: Revolution?

Katniss: ONE DAY MORE TILL REVOLU-Ow!

(I throw a piece of coal)

Me: NO SPOILERS

Katniss: One day….(growls)

Hazelle: Well, anyways, So did Gale just HAPPEN to kiss you the other day?

Katniss: AHAAAA….NO?

(Gale's voice suddenly objects)

Gale: I calculate, yeah. I did. AND SHE DIDN'T KISS BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

(his voice fades out)

Hazelle: Why is my son a whiner?

Katniss: No clue. SEE YA

(she makes her way to the Hob)

Katniss: Here you go peasants (throws coins)

Hob people: Look down! And see, the beggars at your feet!

(Katniss kicks one)

Beggar: Oh godamnit, never mind. Lets go!

(They all back away from her like she has a disease)

(She makes her way to Greasy Sae's)

Katniss: Soup. STAT WOMAN

Greasy Sae: Don't you woman me young lady! I saved your ass in the Games

Katniss: Oh righttt! YOU'RE NOT EVEN A WOMANNN

(Darius comes along)

Darius: Hey Katniss, hows bout I remind you that you have to get all dressed up and crap and You're late

Katniss: For what?

Darius: Oh right. Haymitch

Katniss: Damn!

(She eats the soup and stuff and runs to Haymitch's)

Katniss: Okay…where is it…

(She pulls out a gas mask)

Katniss: Okay,it'll be worth it…it'll be okay

(Puts on the gas mask and walks in)

(Haymitch is snoring)

Katniss: Ugh, you think he'd clean up!

(She whistles and all the rats and insects and stuff)

Katniss: _Come my little friends__  
__As we all sing a happy little working song__  
__Merry little voices clear and strong__  
__Come and roll your sleeves up__  
__So that we can pitch in__  
__Cleaning crud up in the kitchen__  
__As we sing along_

(They clean up and she's all dancing and spinning)

(They finish the song)

Katniss: (pours ice water on Haymitch and sings as the insects and rats disperse) Oh, how strange a place to be! Till Peeta comes for me, My heart is sighing!

(Haymitch freaks out and jumps)

Katniss: One jump, ahead of the hitman! (ducks as he swings a knife)

Haymitch: Oh. Katniss. CAN'T YOU FIND OTHER WAYS TO WAKE ME UP?

Katniss: Nope. (laughs wickedly and loudly) Unless (pulls out a timpani, trumpet, trombone, whistle, harmonica, cymbals and a microphone) You want me to wake you up with this!

Haymitch:…I'm good

Katniss: RED! THE BLOOD OF ANGRY ME-

(Gets shushed by a wild Peeta)

Peeta: Katniss! Shut your trap!

Katniss: (She struggles and formally all creepily) Hello Peeta

Haymitch: Are you sure she's not a Johtunheim?

Katniss: I AM NOT! (turns all blue and red eyed)

Peeta: Katniss, do I have to turn into Peeta-Hulk

Katniss: (sulks) no

Haymitch: Brrr…You two need to warm up. Now go away and cuddle or something, I need to be drunk

Katniss: You mewling quim

Peeta: What?

Katniss: Never mind

(They walk out and stuff and she goes home)

Katniss's Mom: Katniss…you have (wrinkles her nose) a visitor

Capitol Man: Right this way (offers to escort her)

(She slaps him and walks in)

Mysterious voice in a spinny chair: Hello…

(Turns and Snow is in it with Buttercup in his lap)

Snow: I've been waiting for you

Katniss: Woah, what're you thinking?

**AHA! There we go! So review and I WILL UPDATE FASTER! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Catching Fire Abridged, Chapter 2

**A/N: Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm lazy. I JUST CAME BACK FROM BAND CAMP CALM DOWN. SO, forgetting that. Thank you to the reviewers! If I didn't have any reviews, I probably would have just let you hanging with Hunger Games Abridged! HazelFireSky, Keb85, WildCitrusSunflower, Lime Green Squirrel, Crystal Silvera. And if anyone cares to read this, SOMEONE TELL CRYSTAL SILVERA WHAT A JOHTUNHEIM IS PLEASE.**

Snow: (gestures to the chair) Have a seat

Katniss: MOM! WE HAVE A SNAKE IN THE HOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(awkward moment when her mother doesn't respond)

Snow: As I was saying, I think we can agree on something here to make our conversation easier. You must not tell lies

Katniss: Why are you wearing a pink cardigan?

Snow: It's all the rage in the Capitol now! You lowly victors wouldn't understand. Finnick didn't

(Finnick appears on the roof)

Finnick: I HAPPEN TO BE THE YOUNGEST VICTOR-(stops midsentence and sees Katniss) Dayummm girl.

Katniss: (kicks him out of the story) Whoever is reading this, you can have him

Snow: I like berries (pulls nightlock out) Seneca did too

Katniss: Aren't those….

Snow: The berries that brought down an entire angry government in future ti-

Me: NO SPOILERS! (hits his head)

Snow:(rubs his head) As I was saying, before we were so RUDELY interrupted, you might have caused a rebellion

Katniss: Whaaaa?

Snow: REBELLION

Katniss: Whaaaaaaaaaa?

Snow: A R-E-B-E-L-L-I-O-N

Katniss: Definition?

Snow: What is this, a spelling bee? Never mind

Katniss: Mind the fact I love my fr-errr cousin Gale, cause he is definitely not my friend who I friendzoned?

Gale: NOT COOL. I SMELL LIKE ORANGES, C'MON!

Katniss: C'monnnn! (stands and spins) With everything fallin' down around me

Snow: The system is (eye twitch) Not. Falling

Katniss: I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE, IN ALL THE POSSIBILITIESSSS!

Snow: Ms. Everdeen! Are you saying you purposely want a rebellion

Katniss: Errrrr, no?

(Capitol man comes in with cookies and tea)

Snow: Ah, Tea! Where's my fish fingers and bow tie?!

Katniss: You are not the Doctor

Snow: (stuffs his face) I do what I want

Katniss: Me too. Now, what do you want, other then Peeta's cooking (whispers) Which no offense is kind of terrible

(Fangirls show up at her house)

Fangirl 1#: IS NOT! PEETA MARRY ME!

Fangirl 2#: TEAM GALE! Gale, trap me in your love!

Fangirl 3#: You're all wrong! Team Snow!

(Everything. Goes. Silent)

(Fangirls leave)

Snow: ANYWAYS…You are responsible for making sure nothing happens

Katniss: Nothing happens whereeee?

Snow: In the districts!

Katniss: Which districts?

Snow: You don't need to know

Katniss: Or do I?

Snow: I say you don't need to know

Katniss: But what if you don't want me to know you don't want me to know.

Snow: Whaaaa?

Katniss: (slow clapping) President Snow, everybody

(Laughter track)

Snow: (stands) Aim high if you fall short

Katniss: READY, AIM, FIRE! READY AIM FIRE AWAY!

Snow: I mean, what? No. NO! I mean, CONVINCE ME

Katniss: Shouldn't be hard huh? You fell for our little "relations-" I mean, never mind!

Snow: (stare) I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Katniss: (stares)

Snow: Shame on me now!

Katniss: You should be ashamed…

Snow: NEVER MIND. SNOW OUT!

(he walks out)

Katniss: (whispers) I think he's on menopause

**REVIEW IF YOU WANT A CHAPTER SOON!**


	3. Chapter 3

Catching Fire Abridged, chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in forever, but I had to go through months of school, also known as the jailhouse. Finally, it's summer! GUESS WHO'S GOING TO UPDATE MORE OFTEN!?**

Katniss: Hold up

(Pauses, looks around)

Katniss: You threatnin' ME. My family. MY future. AND MY FRIEND GALE?! OH HAILLLL NAH!

(Katniss's Mom comes in)

Katniss's Mom: Girl, what's wrong? You on your period?

Katniss: MOMMMM! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A HATE RANT!

Katniss's Mom: Go take a bath. You're less scary after you take a bath. Especially last time since you had a bat on you

Katniss: MOMMM! His name was Percy! C'MON!

Katniss's Mom: MARCH MISSY!

Katniss: FINE. BUT I'LL BE BACK (points at the audience) I'LL. BE. BACK

(stomps upstairs)

(Jumps into the bath tub)

Katniss: OWWW! Okay. That hurt.

Katniss's Mom: (yells) Well of course!

Katniss: AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH MONTHS OF CAPITOLIZATION!

Me: That's CAPITILIAZTION

Katniss: SHUT UP! What're you, the grammar guide?

Me: No…

Katniss: Exactly. (slumps into the water)

Katniss: The bathtub is always greener in somebody's else's life! You dream about being famous, but then you will deny!

Me: GREEN IS NOT A CREATIVE COLOR

Katniss: NO! WHAT. OKAY. Okay. Quit it with the singing. Now…what to do…

Katniss: Can't say the news to Mom and Prim. They'd freak. Not Peeta. He'd be awfully offended…like "HEY PEETA KISS ME OR MY FRIEND WHO I FRIENDZONED IS GONNA DIE". (Sighs) Man, Haymitch better be good at helping

(Sits for hours, getting all pruney)

(Hears cars coming)

Katniss: OH MOTHER OF….TARDIS. Damn. Dang. Dang. Dang

(Manages to pull on the robe and stuff just before….)

Octavia, Flavius and Venia: HM, HMM, HMM HMMM

Octavia, Flavius and Venia: NOW THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THE POINT WE HOPE WE'VE MADEEEEE!

Katniss:….

Octavia, Flavius and Venia: WHEN YOU GO A LITTLE LOOPY, BETTER KEEP YOUR NURSE WELL PAID.

Katniss's Mom: Oh, get on with it!

Octavia: Katniss, darling. How're you?

Katniss: Did you gain weight?

Octavia: No…(sits in corner)

Venia: Augh, Katniss, darling. You better be more careful (whispers) Some appearances mean more to us then others.

Katniss: Like mine?

Flavius: EXACTLY!

(They work on her, as she sits and listen)

Flavius: So, I was sideways running, and she was asking-

Venia: I know, I know. I was there!

Octavia: How long until we get to do whatever we want to Katniss?

Flavius: Never. (Grumbles) CInna is way too overprotective

Venia: I know, I know. Anyhow, hurry up! I need to fix her hair!

Katniss's Mom: Actually, I'm the expert, so move it chumps!

(Shoves all of them outta the way)

Katniss's Mom:L There darling, now get downstairs, NOW!

(Pushes her down the stairs)

Katniss: Ow…

(Cinna looks at her)

Cinna: Hey

(Katniss looks up at him, crossing her eyes)

Katniss: Well, fancy seeing you here Cinn-OUMPH!

(gets buried in a pile of clothes)

Cinna: GET DRESSED YOU WORTHLESS THING

Katniss: (muffled noises)

(HOUR LATER)

Katniss: Wait, I'm wearing an animal?

Cinna: Ermine

Katniss: Okay, that is sick.

Cinna: BUT AS A HUNTER, I THOUGHT YOU'D UNDERSTAND!

Katniss: HOLD UP BUB. I hunt animals. I don't wear them. That's like me taking your skin and turning them into sunglasses!

Cinna:… Someone's been too creative

Katniss: Actually, the author wrote that

(They look at me…)

(Hour later)

Katniss: Ugh, I DON'T EVEN LIKE ORANGE!

Cinna: BUT KATNISSS….

(Chorus: C'mon Katniss!)

(Random author: Yeah, C'mon Paul! I mean, Katnisss)

Katniss: How…Never mind…

(She sees Prim)

Katniss: Hey RUE! I mean uh, Prim!

Prim: (looks at her weird)

Katniss: NO ONE SEES THE WIZARD

(runs)

(Walks outside and sees Peeta)

Katniss: I HATEEE YOUUU!

Peeta: I love you too!

(They tackle each other and end up making out)

Cinna: Oh god, this is raving mad

(Covers Octavia's and Cinna's eyes)

(They get on the train)

Effie: how nice to see you all aga-

(Katniss knocks her out)

Katniss: Drinks on me! SCRABBLE SLAM!

(Later…)

Haymitch: Dape is not a word!

Peeta: Rape is…

Katniss: Oh god. Please tell me you're not getting any ideas…

Peeta: Maybe I am (evil grin)

Haymitch: No one will touch THE QUEENNN!

(Picks her up and to the train back)

Attendant: Kidnapping!

Haymitch: Oh shut up. (knocks him out)

(Opens the door with a screwdriver)

Katniss: Where'd you get a screwdriver?!

Haymitch: I mean, My friend, he's a doctor.

(She explains everything)

Katniss: Okay…can he fix my love life?!

Haymitch: You don't get it, do you?

Katniss: Huh?

Haymitch: Even if you wanted Gale

Katniss: I don't!

Gale: But Katniss, I'M AWESOME!

Katniss: Not awesome enough

Gale: UGH

Haymitch: You'd have to stay with Peeta, because we have shippers all over the Capitol!

Katniss: What's shipping?

Haymitch: STAY OUT. AND DON'T GET INVOLVED IF YOU WANT YOUR SANITY

Katniss: Umm…okay?

Haymitch: You got shippers. FANDOMS. EVEN HEAVENSBEE SHIPS YOU TWO! You have to stay together.

Katniss: Oh no…

Haymitch: Forever

Katniss: no

Haymitch: FOREVER

Katniss: FOREVER!?

Haymitch: Meaning, marriage. (turns flashlight on under his face) THE WORSE CONSEQUENCE EVER

**The end! So review if you want an update quicker!**


	4. Chapter 4

Catching Fire Abridged CHAPTER FOUR

**A/N: I am so so so so so so so (Fifty "so's" later)  
Sorry! I've been busy and lazy! And at the moment I'm distracted by Samantha Barks as Nancy in Oliver! I swear! I'm so sorry! But I had to re-read Catching Fire so I know how to spoof it up perfectly! Thanks for your reviews again!**

(They're standing in the train)

Haymitch: You could do worse than him, you know.

Katniss: (Shudders) I know. It could be you. EW.

Haymitch: (angrily pokes his watch) TICK TOCK

Katniss: What?

Haymitch: TICK. TOCK

(He leaves)

Katniss: SILENCE WILL FALL! Wait, what?

(A skinny man in a suit appears)

Man: Wrong story! SONIC!

(Knocks her out and leaves her on the floor. Looks at the audience)

Man: Sorry! Time is a little wibbly wobbly. This story will get better, I promise!

(Disappears)

(Next Morning…)

Katniss: (wakes and sees the prep team looking at her)

Katniss: (groans) Where the hell is Peeta?

Venia: He needs his beauty sleep. You're not a beauty however, so we need to fix that before we get to Eleven

Katniss: Eleven?

Venia: Not Smith! The District!

Katniss: OHHH!

(They work on her, and she's extremely pissed)

Venia: Wait and see!

Flavius: When we're through

Octavia: Boys will gladly go to war for you!

Katniss: (mumbles) I have two of them, why do I need more?

All three of them: YOU'LL BRING HONOR TO US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Katniss: I DON'T CROSS DRESS!

Venia: Sureeee…..

(They finish and then she goes for lunch with the others)

Peeta: So I heard the new coal design from the Capitol Couture line, is like, totally fetch!

Effie: Peeta. Stop it. You're not going to make fetch happen

Peeta: Oh. RIGHT

(Pokes Haymitch)

Haymitch: This alcohol is minee…and this triangular sign… (mumbling)

Katniss: Is he nursing a hangover?

Effie: No, duh

(Conductor comes up and tells them a part of the train is ruined by some little blue dog thing that goes "Stich" and says it'll take an hour to fix it)

Effie: WHAT?! WE HAVE SCHEDUALS YOU KNOW! Places to see! Creatures to defeat! Civilizations to rescue. AND-

Katniss: An awful lot of running to do…

Katniss: For the love of God, Effie, quit listening to Trock! (STORMS OFF)

(Awkward silence)

Peeta: I'll go get her.

(Leaves)

(Katniss is walking)

Katniss: (randomly singing) I would walk 500 miles, and then I would walk 500 more! Just to be the man that walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door!

Peeta: (singing) If I go out, then I know who I'm going to be! I'm going to be the man who's goes along with you!

Katniss: Peeta?

Peeta: Yeah?

Katniss: (shakes her head) No.

Peeta: Ah, fine. But you always ignore me like we aint even friends!

Katniss: Yeah, you're point?

Peeta: (breaks into song) I don't have to say it! Because we both know it's true! I WOULDN'T HAVE NOTHING IF I DIDN'T HAVE...

Katniss:…

Peeta: You. YOU! YOU! A-E-I-O, That means you ! Yeah!

Katniss: Impressive. Your choreography got better.

Peeta: Agreed. But still, can we at least try being friends?

Katniss: There's a chance of friend zone going on right now, but I already cousin zoned Gale, so heck, why not?

Peeta: SCORE! Anyways, what's your favorite color?

Katniss: Green

Peeta: GREEN IS NOT A CREATIVE COLOR!

Katniss:….

Peeta: Never mind. Mine is orange, like the sunset

Katniss: You do know orange is the color of destruction and famine right, which could be foreshadowing for the next book?

Peeta:…SPOILERS!

Katniss: C'mon, let's go back. Effie is probably blowing her top.

Peeta: Sure. Don't be afraid to lay it on thick

Katniss: The way you lay thick icing on cakes or paint?

Peeta: Yeah. Want to see my paintings later?

Katniss: Sure!

(They go back)

(Katniss goes up to Effie on one knee)

Katniss: Dearling, Darling Effie Trinket, will you accept my apology to my sudden outburst earlier? I know I am a poor boy and you're a stable escort, but please?

Effie: Ew. Okay, okay, sure! JUST LEAVE!

Katniss: Fine

Peeta: (smirks)

Katniss: (slaps his head) Shut it, you

Peeta: FINEEE

(They go to his room and check out the paintings)

Katniss: So, these are the things you see at night?

Peeta: Pretty much

Katniss: Blood and everything?

Peeta: Yep

Katniss: That really sucks. And you need to see a psychologist, perhaps.

Peeta: Nahhh.

(They get the signal they're arriving in 11 and they check it out)

Katniss: Wow! Did you see the watch towers? Huge!

Peeta: Did you see the fields? How much can you use to put in bread based dishes?!

Katniss: You really need to get your bread obsession in check, man

Peeta: FINEEE!

(Cinna dresses her in the smock and pin and then they're ushered out)

Effie: Ew! Trucks! You'd think we're criminals!

Katniss: He Could See She Was Unable  
So She Ran Into The Bedroom  
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom

Effie: You need to stop listening to that stuff, it's so…Un Katniss!

Katniss: Whatever

(They go to the ceremony and Katniss and Peeta have to say their speech)

Peeta: We'd like to thanks Thresh for killing Clove, cause, hey! No one wanted to touch that chick!

(Silence)

Peeta: Oh, um, and Rue. She helped Katniss in the very end and it was sad seeing her go, but she shipped us, so hey! Point for Rue!

Katniss:….

Peeta: Anyways, we're giving our winnings to District 11. Yeah. Peeta out

(He nods)

Katniss: What the hell was that?!

Peeta: I don't know, but we're only doing 12%

Katniss: Wait! I need to say this!

(Looks at the families)

Katniss: I will bring justice! I'M ON A MISSION! TO PROTECT ALL LIFE, HOPE IS MY FAMILY SEAL! Fighting for justice! I AM INVINCIBLE! I am the girl on Fire and I WILL BRING HELL! WHO'S WITH ME?!

(Guy does the four note mockingjay whistle)

Katniss: Yeah! We got some rebels up in 11! C'MON MAKE SOME NOISE!

(Applause and then they get the flowers and leave)

Peeta: Katniss, c'mon, let's go

(He leads her away)

Katniss: I forgot my plaque!

Peeta: Don't worry, I'll get it-HOLY TRINKET!

Katniss: WHAT?!

Peeta: Guess it's time for the execution game

(Katniss sees the man dragged up and flinches as)

Peeta: BOOM! HEADSHOT!

**Wow. Okay. Um. Yeah. Go review, Bye**


End file.
